“I think that’s what it means to love the way I love you. To love so much you feel broken open and at the same time healed. Maybe that’s what it means to be vulnerable? Maybe that’s intimacy? Whatever it is, whatever it means, I don’t want it to ever end. I never want to stop feeling this kind of love for you. I want us to love each other this deeply, this powerfully, always. Promise me, Ryder.” I cup her cheek, bring her close for yet another gentle kiss. One of thousands and thousands I want from her for the rest of whatever time is given to us. “Promise, Sunshine. Always.”

**WARNING: SPOILERS**

I’m not really sure how to begin this review. This is a top 2020 read for me. It might even be one of the best books I’ve ever read. I was not prepared for how much this story would affect me. How ardently I would fall in love with these characters. This book meant so much to me, that it hurts to write about it. It feels like I’m bleeding on to the page right now. These emotions feel so personal, so raw and real. I’m humbled by and so completely enamored with this story. This was my first experience reading something written by Chloe Liese. I already purchased this book in paperback and have recommended it to anyone and everyone. This story needs to be shared.

The first thing that stuck out to me in this enemies-to-lovers sports romance were the roles. In *most* sports romance that you read, the man is the athlete. Not in this book! Willa is a college soccer star and she is phenomenal, the best on her team. She only has one problem – her business mathematics course. She is basically failing the class and feels as though her professor is out to get her. She’s constantly late to class, at no fault of her own, and has to miss classes and tests for away games. When she approaches her professor about it, he tells her to get her notes from another student in the class, Ryder. When Willa tries to speak to Ryder to ask him for a copy of the notes, he ignores her. And so the games begin.

“Hate, enmity, rivalry are all passionate responses. My personal theory is that they are incomplete expressions of one core human emotion: love.”

These two quarrel like nobody’s business. Ryder has a secret that he doesn’t share with Willa until the professor assigns them as partners for their final project. I won’t tell you what Ryder’s secret is, but know that it doesn’t stay secret for long. Willa deems them “frenemies” and they play pranks on each other whenever they can. It’s all fun and games until Ryder realizes that he has real feelings for Willa. She is a closed book. She doesn’t allow anyone in, emotionally, and she doesn’t allow herself to be vulnerable ever. We catch glimpses of her expressing herself when she visits her mom in the hospital. That’s another thing, Willa was raised by her mom and grandmother. Her grandmother passed away when she was in high school and now her mother has terminal cancer. Willa is afraid to let anyone in because she doesn’t want to lose anyone else. She keeps everything inside all the time. Ryder doesn’t even find out about Willa’s mom until reality comes knocking on his door. There’s so much that I can’t say in this review because I don’t want to give anything away. Just know that you should make sure you have tissues with you because this novel brings forth the waterworks.

We get explore grief during this novel. That’s always a really difficult subject for me to touch on. It’s hard to understand other people’s experience with grief when you can’t know exactly what they’re feeling. So, I hope this doesn’t count as a spoiler, but Willa’s mom dies in this book. It’s devastating. I was uncontrollably sobbing when I read through that section of the book.  Willa doesn’t have anyone else. She keeps everyone at arms length, except for her mother. Ryder tries to be there for her but she pushes him away. Her roommate steps in and helps her pick herself back up, but it’s not the same. After many weeks she starts seeing a grief counselor and things really turn around. It was beautiful to watch. I think therapy and counseling is so important for mental health. It always makes me happy to read about it in books. So, yes, Willa goes to therapy and Ryder opens himself up to be vulnerable with Willa. 

Okay, let’s talk sexual tension because HOLY MOLY does this novel have it in spades. Talk about a slow burn! It takes our couple almost the entire novel to sleep together. But that’s what makes the final moment so special. Ryder doesn’t want it to be just sex, and Willa is asking for no strings attached. The push and pull between these two is excruciatingly painful. All I wanted was for Ryder to pull Willa into his arms, but he had to let her come to him. He so flawlessly knew what she needed every single time. He let her make the final moves. He let her take the lead. He let her draw the line. But when she asked him to cut out his emotions, that’s where he took over. He told her exactly what he wanted and she followed his lead, thankfully. Our lovers are both explosive characters. They have incredible pasts, painful or not. 

I have to admit something to you guys. When our couple finally shared their first intimate moment, I actually cried. I was so joyous. I felt like I’d been waiting at the edge of my seat for so long. It was absolutely perfect. Actually, everything about this book was absolutely perfect. I can’t think of a single thing that I would change. To give this book 5 stars doesn’t seem like enough, it doesn’t feel like it does this story any justice. This was more than a 5 star read, to me. It was painful and rich and vibrant. It was everything I didn’t realize that I needed. It fed my soul. 

“I’m scared too, Sunshine. This is vulnerable shit.” His mouth is a breath away from mine. “I just know I’d rather be afraid with you than fearless with anyone else.”